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I am not well today....

Let it be known that if I should die for whatever reason and my organs are deemed suitable for donation, I would like them to be reserved first for my cousin, Jacob, so that he may have any he needs should we be a match.

We went over to my aunt’s house for my younger cousin’s fourteenth birthday, and things just did not go very well for me. After the little niece ran off with Sarah (another cousin) and her friend because they had toys to play with, I hung out in the kitchen with the other adults. And then Jake came in and I guess my brain just decided it wasn’t wanting to see my twenty-five-year-old cousin looking that terrible, but of course that couldn’t change the horrible jaundice and massive ‘dark circles’ surrounding his eyes. It had been a while since I had seen him, and I had gotten used to the yellow in his skin before, but since the last time he had gotten worse and, according to my mom at least, when he finally gets to have his transplant he’s not just going to need a liver but a kidney, too.

I was okay for a while. But there were a lot of people there, going in and out of the kitchen, and people I didn’t know at all (kids, really, but still), and then my mom and her sisters decided to reminisce in some of the more disturbing, fond memories of their childhood (apparently my now deceased great-great-aunt showing them a dead, decaying cow by the railroad tracks and them watching it get bloated until it burst is a happy memory; no wonder the younger generation in my family is so messed up). Everything just seemed to be building up on me and I kept switching between being emotionally distant (and no one noticing) to trying desperately to lighten the mood for myself by being witty and amusing (also with no one noticing). And that was all fine, I thought. I was a little tired from not sleeping and I guess that probably added to my problems, but I figured it wasn’t so bad and I could enjoy spending time with my cousins anyway.

It came time for us all to gather around and do the whole cake-and-candles thing, which was nice. We sang, and my little niece was very cute while she sat and gleefully watched my cousin hesitate before blowing out his candles, trying very hard to wait until the candles were out before she clapped and yelled ‘hooray!’. And then, I’m not sure why, as cake and ice cream was being passed around I had a panic attack. I’ve had worse, though this one lasted longer than any other I’ve had. I tried to distract myself by eating the cake and ice cream I was given, but I couldn’t eat very much of it so I passed it off to my sister. People went their own ways into the house (playing games, watching sports on TV, whatever they had been doing before they were called away for the birthday stuff) and I sat at the table, looking at some of the toys my cousin had gotten, again trying to distract myself. I finally got myself to calm down by mentally repeating what I remember of some meditation chant thing I learned about ages ago when I was researching Bhuddism and things like that. I don’t know if the words are right, but I don’t care, they tend to help me when I need to keep calm.

So, that passed, though I was still not really myself and I wanted to go home. It took a while before we could go and the niece decided she’d really rather stay than go, so she fought tooth and nail the whole way, screaming and yelling. One of these days someone is going to call the cops thinking we’re hurting her or that she’s been kidnapped, because she’s got a real set of lungs on her and likes to use phrases like “Help me”, “Save me”, and “Don’t touch me”. It’s good that she knows those words, but it would be nice not to have to explain to the cops that no, we’re not the bad guys, she’s just temperamental, and that guy dragging her to the car as she screams and cries and begs to be let go is her dad and they’re going to go pick her mom up from work. I’m seriously just waiting for the day someone calls the cops on us because of her yelling.

Anyway, we went home and I was so exhausted by then that I was falling asleep in the car. I came inside the house, got into PJs, and crawled onto the couch and passed out. Now I’m up at half-past eleven at night, writing this entry, and will probably go back to sleep very soon. Oh well...we get to babysit the niece again tomorrow night. Hooray.

Oh, also, I’m supposed to be writing a review of a couple people’s writings, but I’m so not in a good place to be writing that right now, so that’s why this is here instead of the reviews. Next entry should  be the reviews. Sorry, guys.

Yeah, I’ve got nothing else.

{My pain as of late: Normal random pain stuff. Last Wednesday had a nice brief period where a large section of my right thigh decided to continually hurt. After massaging it for a while, I found a place to put pressure on that made the pain slowly ease away. Hoorah.}